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Editor: Geldar Prope
Misrepresenting the facts since 1461. |
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July, Year of Our Lord 1463
Issue 9 |
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Dark One Foiled Again!
If it wasn't for that pesky gypsy...
A recent attempt by the Dark One to break out of Limbo was foiled by the heroic sacrifice of the gypsy Andreassa at the recent Koliada.
The Dark One was attempting to increase his presence in the mortal realm by the agency of seven Essence Stones. According to our contacts at the Royal Carpathian University, the essence stones created a breach in the fabric between Limbo and Mordavia. Adventurers in Berium, the site of the breach, were able to retrieve two essence stones and throw them back into Limbo through a portal admitting ravening hordes of Dark One soldiers. This was insufficient to close the gate, alas, and the Berium militia were unequal to the flood of incoming soldiers. As one guardsman put it, fuming over the decision to place a fairy noble in charge of the defense, “the Dark One himself couldn’t have orchestrated things better by putting Lord Obsidian in charge.”
Desperate to close the portal, Andreassa, a magician skilled in White magic, cast a spell that would enable her soul to guard the breach which appeared to be efficacious. This sacrifice has been the origin of a popular movement in Berium to declare Andreassa a Saint, much like Our Lady Erana, her predecessor. The Order of Erana has currently declined to do so, saying that the spell Andreassa cast had been tampered with and that Andreassa was lost in Limbo. Lady Alia of the Order promised to re-examine the situation in six months time and strongly denied rumours that the Order’s reluctance was due to Andreassa’s social caste of outlaw gypsy.
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Andreassa shortly before her sacrifice
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Erana Was A Gypsy!
Recent information from the seer Aliette Rowan and the ninety-five-year-old ghost of Father Emil, one of the founders of the Order of Erana, confirms that the Lady Erana, the Green Saint, Saviour of Mordavia, was indeed a Gypsy.
Lady Alia, spokeswoman for the Order of Erana, states: "While very unexpected, this information jibes well with some hitherto ambiguous letters written by the Lady herself. We believe Emil and Aliette. A tragedy was begun one hundred years ago when the founders of the Order chose to conceal this fact about Erana for political reasons. Let it not happen again. Let the truth set us free."
Paladin Miriell, the only surviving founder of the Order, states: "This is a travesty! You take the word of a Gypsy 'seer' and a ghost? It was probably some scam concocted by 'Aliette Rowan' and her kumpania. Gypsies do that. While I never actually met Erana, I cannot believe that she belonged to the despicable race that tried to drown Mordavia in darkness under the Werewolf King. I will not be party to this."
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The Captain of the Berium Guard Carlyn Blackhammer spoke vociferously about the anti-Gypsy prejudice held by nobles such as Miriel. “What do you hold against us?” he asked. The Captain has been taking the death of Andreassa very personally, leading some to wonder if he held a tendre for her.
The other leaders of the Order were unavailable for comment, Brother Filianor on sabbatical in Elvish forests, Father Petrov in deep sleep, and Lady Matilde knee-deep in plumbing.
Lady Alia publicly asks for a meeting with Aliette Rowan, at the time and place of her choosing, to discuss the Gypsy body of lore on Our Lady Erana.
In other news, a precious relic of Erana, a necklace, was stolen from her Altar during a recent conclave in the Temple. Lady Alia is furious and is offering a large reward for its safe return. She said: “Investigations have proved that the perpetrator must have been one of the visitors from Berium. You trust people and they stab you in the back. This despicable theft brings me great sorrow. I now regret my decision to bring Our Lady Erana's Staff to Berium, the town is a pack of thieves.”
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Join The Berium Guard!
Be the envy of all your friends!
Enjoy the camaraderie of fellow soldiers, the satisfaction of a job well done, and a really spiffy uniform.
Food, accommodation and armour are provided compliments of His Royal Majesty. (Armour may be slightly pre-loved.)
Contact Captain Carlyn Blackhammer for details.
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Pitchforks Into Ploughshares?
The horrific Demon invasion of Fairyland was put on hold recently, after a treaty negotiated between Lord Obsidian, a Fairy, Jurawiccan Elf Fleetstar, and an as yet unnamed Demon Ambassador. All hostilities have ceased, pending ratification from the Fairy and Demon Realms. A similar truce was negotiated between orcs and elves. Our reporters believe this truce receives support from both races, as one elf called Lin said “Elves will honour”, whereas the Orc lord Klecknoff commented that “one bad make one good.”
While an end to fighting is nice, the current snowy state of Hell is still a problem for its inhabitants. However, at Koliada, in the town of Berium, a little Fairy publicly declared that the inclement weather of both Hell and Fairyland was caused by The Dark One, in a plot to set them at war. Perhaps they can ally and fight their 'true enemy'. We understand that a magical implement known as 'Zor's Ammer' is efficacious against bad weather: perhaps a timesharing arrangement is possible?
Also at Koliada, two long-imprisoned Fairies, Gisa Goldenwing and Willowtwig Windhopper, were released from the Berium jail with all charges dropped against time served. They were briefly joined by the chief campaigner for their release, their cousin Paradox, who was heard to comment "Well, this is ironic, innit?" Despite a violent jailbreak the night before the scheduled trial (reportedly one Guard was knocked unconscious by the fleeing villains, only waking in time to give an alarm),
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all three chose to remain in their cells. Perhaps this demonstration of superior moral fibre (or a desire to remain behind strong walls in a monster-ridden town) swayed the resident Baron, Underwood, to mercy. However, as Willowtwig stated in a later interview: "Pity I have no home to go back to." Perhaps he can resettle in the Elvish town of Elendar, which has thrown its gates open to refugees from all Mordavia.
Berium's Ban Banished!
In a moving, and extensive, speeh at midwinter solstice, the Baron of Berium, Glenn Underwood preached the beauties of ethnic diversity, mutual tolerance, an end to war, and in addition lifted the legal ban on Gypsies in his Barony. This was met with great applause by members of a Gypsy camp nearby. "You really did it!" they cried joyfully to Underwood.
This unexpected move from Underwood is now seen as politically apt, considering the recent revelations as to Saint Erana's Gypsy nature, and the recent martyrdom of Andreassa the Gypsy, a well-known White mage, who sacrificed both her life and soul to defend all Mordavia against the Dark One. Though reportedly a very selfish person, Andreassa acted very nobly at the end. The Truth wonders if, given these recent events, the Gypsy Ban will be lifted from all Mordavia.
Tragically, another well-known Gypsy, Teddy Crumm, rumoured to be the werewolf recently sniffing around Berium, is now unable to appreciate this, having met his death at the hands of Cyruss, a Guardsman, who claimed to act in defense of His Grace Eric von Braun, the Count of Dareen. Apparently very angry at the deaths of so many of his kin in the fires of Dareen,
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Teddy attempted to bring final death to the Count as he lay wounded after a battle. In the struggle that followed, after being rendered unconscious, Teddy was killed by Cyruss. The Count expressed regret: "It's not what I intended. I'm truly sorry." Rumour has it that the Count has sent a petition to legalise all the Gypsies of Mordavia to the King, whether as an attempt to appease the soul of Teddy Crumm or out of impartial justice is unclear.
Teddy Crumm in a transitional state
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As Teddy Crumm came from an ancient royal line of Gypsies, and because the ban on Gypsies had been lifted before he died, The Truth wonders whether Cyruss will be the centre of a trial for the treason of killing a noble.
Baron is Pregnant
Mistletoe Thistlebrook, who prefers the title Baron of Berium, is pregnant for the first time. Distraught at the thought that her husband will leave her during this emotional period, she confesses that it is his. “I can’t get anyone to even look at me these days. Everyone’s so cautious not to upset the Baron. That’s why there is no doubt in my mind,” says Mistletoe.
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However, despite Mistletoe’s tender state, Glenn Underwood still openly searches for an annulment to the marriage. This reporter wants to know why he has suddenly decided the marriage is not worthy of him - or perhaps the alleged accounts of adultery are true. “It hurts so much because everyone knows he just doesn’t want it. I just wish that for once I could know a happy family,” says Mistletoe.
Another Lady of Berium, Acanthus Everlight the newly ordained priestess of Erana, flatly denied all rumours that she herself was pregnant. Nevertheless, Berium's Baron Glenn Underwood has been very solicitous of her health lately, possibly worrying about the strain of her new duties.
Girls in the Guard?
Kiare Rochan, front line fighter? Apparently so. Commended in a report to the King for her part in fighting the Necrotaur, she goes armed with a target shield and a morningstar. It is likely her shield will soon sport an eagle, and a red cloak will be provided. Already she has gained the respect of the current members of the Berium Guard - the Lieutenant is quoted as saying "She stayed right on the front lines with us throughout the festivities of Koliada."
The Guard are reported to be rather understaffed following a series of attacks by followers of the dreaded Dark One, and are anticipating an influx of new members. The only other female previously in the Guard was the fairy Angelina, a healer rather than a fighter, who moved back to Fairyland before the Solstice celebrations.
As a secondary source of income Kiare has been known to sell lucky charms - however rumours suggest she may have a dubious past history which the Guard would be wise to invesigate before investing Kiare as a new Guardsman (or Guardswoman).
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Another possible recruit to the Band of Brothers and Sisters is Danae, Berium's own Blonde Ballista-Bolt. An immigrant to mist-engirdled Mordavia, Danae followed her own true love, the self-proclaimed Baron Hailstone (Brim the Arena-Master to us commoners, and another Guardsman), after her home village was slaughtered to the last man. Currently employed in Elvish Prince Megilindir's all-female retinue as a warrior, no doubt Danae would do her new duties man- er, wom-, er, very well indeed. Just keep a weather eye out for those 'showers of gold'.
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HEAR YE! HEAR YE!
To all that venture into the woods, and want to earn money!
I am willing to pay for creatures brought back to me!
This includes:
Necrotaurs
Orcs
Bandits
Undead
And anything else capable of fighting!
The money is good! The risk is worth it! Bring the creatures tied up or unconscious (for as long as possible) to me, and we'll make a good price for it!
Brought to you by,
Baron Brim Hailstone
Berium Arena Master
Part-time member of the Berium Guard
This message was brought to you in cooperation with Baron Glenn Underwood, Heck Vestock, The Mercenaries Guild, The Mages Guild
The management of the Arena can not and will not be held responsible for any injuries, traumas, death or other afflictions achieved during these hunts. Healing (potions) can be provided for a small price.
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Page 5
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Agony Aunt
Dear Mordavian Truth,
I have a friend who has a strange problem. You see I know he went to the inn a few nights ago and had a little too much to drink. He passed out on a kindly passing half-orc and when he woke up he was naked upon a strange alter being dedicated to a nasty incarnation of what I can only assume was a greater demon or god of the pit. My friend politely excused himself, withdrew the centaur and went on his way.
My friend thought nothing of this until he woke the next morning to a strange sound not unlike one's arm being turned into a tentacle. Lo and behold when my friend looked upon his arm it had become a poisonous tentacle waving and slurping in the fresh morning air.
My question is this, how does one find relief after a night on the ale without poisoning oneself or damaging something important. I await your answer with baited breath and crossed legs.
Concerned and Thirsty
Dear Concerned and Thirsty,
Inadvertent acquisition of a tentacle is a major hazard for those wandering about the Swamp late at night. I took the liberty of consulting the Berium Insane Asylum and Father Voltaire told me that tentacular growth in his patients is often preceded by strange dreams. I suggest that you stay off late night ingestion of cheese.
Miss Verity
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Vote of Thanks
The citizens of Dareen wish to congratulate their liege lord Eric Von Braun on his recent ascension to Count. We also wish to thank him for his dedication to the protection and welfare of our land.
Dear Count, thank you for the dyke and newly cleared farmland, we think you are wonderful.
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Roll of Honour
Andreassa, gypsy, do-gooder, saint-in-training.
Kita, barmaid, servant, hater of orckind.
Dr Fidelis, aspiring Evil Magician, may he find his lost love Margarete.
Terris, runaway slave or lost heir to the Merovingian Dynasty, reports vary.
General Lutgar, psychopathic General.
Zachariah Soulflame, Officer of the Guard: “My face towards the fire”.
Imbas, Seely Courtier, much loved and pretty in pink.
Teddy Crumm, morphicly challenged gypsy.
Jezi Baba Azyriveede, Master Merchant, loyal retainer to Count Von Braun.
Rupert, beloved husband of Euphemia Whemper. Hop in Peace.
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Classifieds
DOCTOR TORPOR’S ANTI-SNORE POTION
Give it to those who snore, and you'll get a better night's sleep than ever before!
Recommended by a member of the Von Braun retinue.
THE INN OF GILTHANAS, FORMERLY THE WELL-HUNG ELF, IS NOW OPEN FOR BUSINESS.
"We want Elf sausage!" our patrons cry.
JOHNNY FAA AND SONS, RAPID TRANSPORT SERVICE
Rates reasonable; very discreet - you'll hardly notice it's gone.
MOTHER MONOKLE, GYPSY SEER, now practicing in the Berium Area.
My crystal eye sees all!
FOUND One Sanity in the sanitation area of the Inn of Gilthanas, Formerly The Well Hung Elf. Please reclaim it; I have no need for such - Ulric of the Slime.
Looking for ALIETTE ROWAN to discuss old stories of Erana. Please contact Lady Alia, of the Temple of Erana, in Eranov.
THE LONGEST ROAD from The Continuing Adventures of Peter Tregganow, Gentleman. Soon available from Domus Stochastum Books in Eranov.
Credits
Scribing by Stephanie Pegg, Catherine Pegg, Matt Brunton, Rhiannon Daymond-King, Tim Boersma, Erin Hockings.
Woodcuts by www.godecookery.com
Printed by the Hastings Amateur Assassins Association (Wellington Chapter)
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