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Editor: Geldar Prope
Misrepresenting the facts since 1461. |
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January, Year of Our Lord 1463
Issue 5 |
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Prince Begins Bride Search
It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife. And in the case of Royalty, it’s true!
The half-elven Prince of Mordavia has announced his intention to marry. He has stated that the need to continue the Royal line outweighs any other consideration. He is reported to have spent the last several years pining for the Vampire Queen Katrina, his former blood-bound mistress. This publication hopes that the Prince’s longing for former loves will not destroy his new marriage before it has begun.
Artist’s impression of the upcoming wedding |
While the lucky lady has not yet been selected, there are reputed to be several strong contenders including high-ranking members of both Seely and Unseely Courts, the orc princess Jez’hak, and famous beauties of the human nobility of Mordavia. Sources close to the throne have speculated that the Lady Dariyan of Eneldore and Elendar, the Ambassador of the United Elven Peoples may choose to offer herself as a candidate in an attempt to heal the breach between humans and elves.
Others pooh-pooh this idea, saying that her current residence in the Berium Insane Asylum would make any such alliance unworkable and that, with her recent relationship problems, such an invitation might trigger another traumatic episode.
Interested nobles are asked to submit resumés and portraits to the Prince’s palace in Eranov.
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Swamp Spread Speeding!
Research by Professor Grünvelt of the Carpathian University of Magic suggests that the Swamp may be growing faster than ever. "Ve haft made mile markerz on ze open fieldz zout of the forest of Eneldore, where ze growth has alvays been zteady in ze past. It zeems der Zvamp may be increasing az much az half again as fast as at our last measurement vun year ago."
After the fall of Valea Sarii, Eneldore and Dareen are digging protective ditches. Borsa may soon be an island in a sea of Swamp. Even Eranov may soon be endangered. Isn't there anything that can be done to stop this?
Is Lord Underwood a Gypsy?
Shocking allegations have been made that the new Baron of Berium, Lord Underwood, is an imposter. While nothing has been proven, the Mordavian Truth notes the following items:
Fact: The newly appointed Baron habitually dresses in the gypsy style, with an extravagant, full-skirted coat and, tellingly, a colourful bandanna.
Fact: He is known to use a sap, a most ungentlemanly weapon.
Fact: He is a newcomer to Berium. Indeed, reporters sent to Berium-in-the-Swamp can find no trace of an 'Underwood' family in that region.
Fact: He married a fairy.
Fact: Only recently married, he now desires - nay, demands - a divorce. This bespeaks an unstable character, typical of the lesser races.
Fact: The druidic marriage celebrant that 'tied the knot' for the so-called Underwood died, in violent and mysterious circumstances, only days before our 'beloved Baron' was invested. Did the druid know too much? Could the poor, lamented MacRoth have 'blown the gaff' on a daring yet underhanded impersonation? You decide.
Historians yet recall the barbaric Gypsy/Werewolf Insurrection that nearly ended our beautiful country. Is the same disaster to happen again?
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Page 2
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Letters to the Editor
Dear writer person,
I would like to declare my offence at the amount of coverage on me. I did astonishingly well in the tournament, Marius winning the speed chess and coming second in the running race, my gypsy Lilith being the only one to hit the apple with the push spell. Also my vampire, Heck, coming second in the hammer toss. I am quite under the impression that should there not have been cheaters such as Sarii and Dark Lorders like that heavily armed man, I would have certainly won.
I am quite offended that I am only mentioned as wife and competitor to Underwood, who I noticed advertised for a druid to annul our marriage. All and all I am deeply disgusted not only that I am mentioned so little, but that every other competitor was mentioned in full.
If you should want to make amends, I would like an article purely on me, glorifying me in every way. I can help with the details if they are needed. Should there be complete complying, there may be a tasty morsel of news for you in return.
Yours sincerely,
Mistletoe Thistlebrook
This publication proffers its deepest apologies for the oversight. Every effort is made to publish true and complete information, in this case our writers were hampered by relying on word-of-mouth information. Subsequent research shows that the Lady Mistletoe was a strong contestant.
Ed.
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They March To A Different Drum
A small town in Southern Mordavia, Vensburg, was recently assaulted by the shambling remains of the XIII Legion. "It was horrible," says one inhabitant (32), "all we could hear that night was the drumming, the drumming, the drumming. But we manned the old walls and held them off - the Legion always wanted our town, but they're not getting it!"
Vensburg is built on the remains of an ancient hillfort, Dun Morgan, that reputedly predates the Roman settlement of our proud land. Locals proudly claim that it was never taken in battle, but joined the King's Reign as a free city, including charter.
"We don't know what they wanted, and we don't know if they'll be back," says this reporter's source, "but we'll be ready - us an' that kid Gwydion that warned us they were coming. What with all the Troubles lately we've been keeping all our old weapons sharp. And soldiers turned farmers still know how to fight."
Advertisement
In parchments fine we read the quotes
Of jingling bells and warm fur coats
But in our lands we cannot see
The two together come to be.
'Twixt bitter winds,
Forget your sins!
Join with them, play violins!
And celebrate - while you have your skins.
Around the fires we must dance!
With passion, cacoethes, romance!
Hand in hand with confreres, find
Problems will be out of mind.
The United Southern Orchestra
The Key to good music is Passion
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Page 3
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Hot Goss From Berium-In-The-Swamp
by Elisabeth Cagliostro
Lady, Vampire, Gossip Columnist
You know it’s retro when they’re swanning around in thousand year old Legionnaire kit. Bare legs are so sexy on a man, though the putrefaction of their undead state made them a tad whiffy. I prefer my men better embalmed.
Love and Politics: The choosing of the new Baron/Baronness was enlivened when it was revealed that two of the contestants had married another – and forgotten all about it! How was that honeymoon, dear? Mistletoe the waiflike fairy had apparently been stricken with amnesia, the causes of which are still unexplained though her plight is common to fairies living in the Mortal Realms. What is it about that Dust? She and her husband, the new Baron Underwood, are reputedly fighting like cats and dogs and are already looking for a divorce. Quicky weddings always end in tears, darlings.
I Ribbit: Two more happy couples plighted their troth recently, under the auspices of the dead stylish Baron Eric Von Braun. Notable was Euphemia Whemper, the new Postal Service, wedding her lifelong love Rupert, currently a frog.
Not in the chapel, chaps! A certain Gheorge Voyer, gypsy, lured almost the entire fairy population of Berium into the wooded chapel of Erana to celebrate au naturale. The Seelie Queen apparently disapproves quite strongly – annoyed that she missed out?
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In Memoriam
William Löwe, head of the Eranov Exporters Guild House, much loved father, husband, son and brother.
Funeral to be held on the 19th day of February, Year of Our Lord 1463 at the Hill of the Freed Men, west of Eranov.
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The Man of the Woods wandered in one day to claim his traditional rights for allowing fire in his forest. This took the form of a seductive drinking competition with Princess Fuchsia Blossom of the Eastern Court as the judge. Though he performed manfully (he was so big and hairy) alas he didn’t win. Perhaps he was pining for his fiancé Graka, the Woman of the Woods.
They say he always wanted to die in bed … The sole fatality of the Dream Quest of Lost Erana was Strongbow. This centaur, with bay-coloured flanks and manly chest, was much loved by the fairy, human and equine populations of Berium. Though he died fighting, and victorious, he will be missed. As one source says: “And he owed me money!”
But black is so boring. It seems that one of the applicants of the Barony Tournament, the Lady of Valea Sarii, was in fact a pawn of the aspiring vampire queen Katrina. She failed in her bid to obtain Berium, and was run off by a pack of grubby peasants, even being forced into her form-of-mist during the ignominious flight. If she’d dressed better, her attempts to englamour the unwashed rabble might have been more successful.
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Page 4
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BERIUM SPARKS HORTICULTURAL RENAISSANCE
Berium-in-the-Swamp, a small town in the centre of Mordavia, was recently the site of a wildfire bloom of Arteganos flowers. This, the second in a year, has drawn the attention of gardening enthusiasts to this isolated town.
“It’s the zombies, y’see,” opines one local (153). “Bash ’em on t’head, plough under, nothing better for t’crops. Oo, an’ all them astral goings on – nothing better for t’plants than astral emanations. An’ I should know, seeing how I was there when Our Lady Erana went off to fight the Dark One. Very good year for carrots, as I recall.”
Some of the strange fruit seen near Berium |
Whether the ‘blue fire’ Arteganos blossoms will continue or not, several gardening jobbers have declared their intentions to plant outposts in Berium. “I’m not scared,” says one, “a bit of mulch will keep that horrible swamp down, and if any pesky vampires turn up, well, I’ve got plenty of stakes and I know how to use them too!”
This reporter wishes them the best of luck.
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Earn Kopeks in Your Free Time!
Are you naturally inquisitive?
Do you like poking your nose where it isn’t wanted?
Do you have a talent for rhyme and reason?
Can you run fast?
Become a freelance reporter for the Mordavian Truth!
Good kopeks paid for stories and information received.
Requests for anonymity are always honoured.
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Classifieds
DESPERATELY SEEKING ULRIC
My disembodied spirit calls to you across the void.
Seek for me in the Dream Realm.
I will love you until I discombobulate…
Sindy Scyllum XOX
ULRIC, IT'S OVER
I have forsaken the Dark Lord, Menacer in the Shadows, and embraced the light of Our Lady Erana, the Rowan Woman. I am in seclusion, and desire absolutely no contact with my former acquaintances.
If you love me, let me be,
Sindy Sabot
HELP WANTED
Masons desperately needed by the Artisan’s Guild. On the job training. Experience building dykes is a bonus. Lots of work available. High pay rates.
WANTED Chihuahua Puppy
Must be of repellent aspect. Apply Paradox the Fae.
Credits
Scribing by Stephanie Pegg, Catherine Pegg, Lamington Jane and Craig Neilson
Woodcuts by www.godecookery.com
Printed by the Hastings Amateur Assassins Association (Auckland Chapter)
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