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Brought to you by: Geldar Prope and Slea Zee Scribe
This Publication accepts no liability for the veracity of the contents herein. |
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Established Year of Our Lord 1461
Issue 1 |
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Misguided Mordikar’s Momentous Mishap
Berium was recently rocked by a full scale invasion by the empire building Lord Mordikar. Engaging in a campaign of ethnic cleansing, his Grace stated shortly before the battle that his interest in Berium was control of its keep, which he needed to perform further raids on undesirable types in the area. His bias against non-humans apparently did not extend to the scores of crimson demons fighting with his troops.
Lord Mordikar’s army was slain to the last being, the defenders of Berium choosing not to take prisoners. This reporter wishes to express regret at the needless deaths of the loyal troops who refused to rebel against their sworn lord.
The former prince Silvermoon, leader of the defending force, said after the battle “It is a sad sad day when civil war is in the land. Mordikar was a great warrior and this should be a warning to humans to learn the difference between good and evil.”
Orgiastic Sex Scandal in Sacred Spot
Berium citizens were shocked on Saturday to find friends and neighbors engaged in a lurid orgy, on hallowed ground. Villagers watched in disbelief as a torrid display of writhing and nudity
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Mordikar speaking before the battle |
greeted them in their local chapel. Details are sketchy, but some locals gave eye-witness accounts.
“I counted 13 legs,” said Imbas the fairy “but it was difficult to be sure with all the writhing”. Kresenk the Undead commented, “There was…lots of flesh baring, writhing, wriggling, moaning. There was even a Dark One Follower in the pile, fondling his tentacle.” Dominatrix Helga the Holy bragged “I spanked them good.”
The male participants were allegedly lured from the village by a pair of scantily clad sirens. On arrival at the chapel, the participants threw clothing from their bodies and clambered onto each other before the altar. A youthful sex slave was also found, bound on the altar. The sex slave was reportedly reluctant to be rescued, having taken a liking to bondage.
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Dozens of Babies in Elf-Fairy-Vampire Baby Swap Fiasco
Berium is in a state of seedy disarray after a shocking weekend of child neglect and abuse. Babies were subjected to nightmares and satanic rituals in the village, with the main ritual reportedly taking place in the beer garden of the village inn. The town council is claiming external interference by dark forces. Accounts of the numbers of babies involved vary from 4 to 48. Some of the babies have not yet been recovered by the king’s troops and there are fears these have been hidden by followers of the Dark One.
In an artful attempt to cover-up the scandal, the villagers are claiming dispensation from the King to kill all babies under the age of one. The King is reported to have said, “Sure, babies are cute and cuddly now, but wait until they start eating your pet cat. No exceptions, no mercy.”
When asked if he thought the measure a little extreme, the King's scholar Nikolae, who announced the infanticide said, “Well, it’s not like babies pay taxes, is it?”
The Mordavian Truth is running a Readers Poll to get your views on this matter. Make the smoke signal for ‘Guilty’ if you think the citizens of Berium should be held accountable for this travesty. Make the smoke signal for ‘No Worries’ if you think the authorities should turn a blind eye.
Trader’s Guild Blacklists Berium
In a surprising move, Bendle Higgins, head of the Mordavian Trader’s Guild, announced today that affiliated
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Artists impression of demonic horde |
caravans will now be bypassing Berium. Higgins stated that these drastic measures were the result of a policy of not-so-petty harassment by Berium’s residents. “This is the last straw,” Higgins said. “Threats by slave takers, accusations of theft. Now the swamp rats are possessing honest traders and forcing them into sick twisted displays of erotic dancing. Next time they might use a live chicken! Nope, we’re as eager to make a dishon... er, honest kopek as the next citizen, but from now on we’re going to give the slimy pit a wide detour.”
Mordikar Mooned by Silvermoon
Gruesome Necklace of Elven Ears Looted From Scene
In a sordid tale of revenge slaying, Silvermoon, the orphaned son of the elven queen Valencia, travelled through an eerie astral gate as the latest step in his lengthy quest to gain his birthright.
Silvermoon was in pursuit of the hideous orc Slagnost, the murderer of his mother. He was transported through the etheric to his homeland Jurrawicca where he duelled both the misguided hero Lord Mordikar and the disgustingly visaged Slagnost. While Mordikar survived the fight to later
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invade Berium, Slagnost was slain like the dog he is. The newly crowned King Silvermoon celebrated his victory by carving an eldritch mark on his forehead and stealing a rotting necklace of elven ears.
His friend and colleague Snider the Adventurer congratulated the King saying “If you cross swords with Silvermoon, it’s the last thing you do.” Other adventurers were less impressed, remarking that “Silvermoon’s a dork.”
Likely Youth Stripped of Woman’s Garb by Fairy
In yet another irreligious occurrence in Berium, Atar the Monk has been forced to endure a trying test of his faith. Whilst preparing for vespers, the young Novice was subject to an abject display of vice. Returning from late night shenanigans, a likely youth, new to the village, was relieved of his woman’s raiments by the fairy Imbas in the presence of the monk. “It was appalling,” said Atar.
The youth was not available for interview. Fairy Imbas declined to comment.
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Town of Berium
Supports Undead Army
The rulers of Berium have donated 500 kopeks, raised from subscriptions of the townsfolk, to provide resources for the magical support of an undead army. It is hoped that the troop of ghouls, zombies and necrotaurs will be able to prevent recurrences of the ghastly attacks of dark ones, undead and assorted monsters that have recently been plaguing the town.
The alchemist accepting the donation, one of the proprietors of the Sunshine Meadows Refugee Camp, said that in addition to buying ingredients for maintaining the army, the money will go to the care of refugees fleeing troubles in other parts of Mordavia. “We are so pleased at this unexpected boost to our finances, allowing us to provide assistance to the pleasant town of Berium.” Regrettably the refugees, the fortunate recipients of this largess, were unavailable for comment as they were all visiting a nearby lake, bathing for the good of their health.
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Page 4
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SOCIETY:
King Fuels Speculation of Inter-Racial Romance
King Silvermoon added fuel to the rumours of his impending engagement yesterday. Offered an opportunity to talk exclusively to this publication about his domestic situation, with guaranteed double page etching of his castle and wolfhounds, the King declined. This publication can only conclude that the rumoured affair between the newly crowned King of Jurawicca and his Fairy companion Labina are true. Sources report a secret wedding should not be discounted, although the recent possession of Labina by demonic forces may mean the happy couple have to delay any plans.
ENTERTAINMENT:
Trader Turns to Cabaret
Imbibers at the Berium Inn were witness to a stunning career change on Saturday evening. A handsome young trader, having successfully concluded his business for the evening, seized the opportunity to launch what is sure to be a stand-out entertainment career. Seizing the opportunity presented by a captive audience, the trader threw down his sack of trinkets and took to the tables in a celebrated rendition of the Chicken Dance. Locals cheered and clapped his performance, although
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there were some critics of his interpretation of the Time Warp. The Trader has now left Mordavia to embark on his first European tour. The tour is expected to culminate in a three night run at the Globe Theatre, London, where our local lad seems destined for stardom. This talented young trader is not thought to bear any resemblance to the victim of an incident of possession, reported elsewhere in this publication.
LOST AND FOUND:
Lost
Several Innocences – missing, presumed gone for good.
Seven demonically possessed babies, return to King.
One tentacle, pale green and oozing. Please enquire at the Inn.
Found
One cat, slightly damaged, missing posterior.
One dead chicken, scrawny, slightly chewed.
A large quantity of cheese.
 Roll of the Dead
Fontenoy - most talented Necromancer
Edreak Von Hoven – lord of Hoven
Toa kata – mighty warrior
Caranthir – imbibing elf
Ju Dorthion - elven musician
Jacob - trainee witchhunter
Serinda - frolicking former slave
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Breaking News!
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Masked Ball in Berium
on All-Hallows Eve
Rumours abound that a Masked Ball is being planned for All-Hallows Eve of next year, the Year of Our Lord 1462. The Ball will take place in the swamp-bound town of Berium, in the hall of the Inn.
All indications are that the Lords and Ladies of Mordavia will descend on Berium in flocks to dance the Mordavian Volta and courtly promenades, their anonymity protected by grotesque and flamboyant masks. An orchestra is being recruited to play late into the night at the shin-dig, and large attendance is expected for that Saturday night.
Romance and intrigue will surely abound!
Arsonists Abduct Abbey's Ancient Artefact
Father Mortimer of the Holy Ascension Abbey in southern Mordavia is refusing to comment on stories that a holy weapon was found to be missing after a devastating fire at his monastery.
Sources close to the Abbot say that he is grief-stricken by the theft of the artefact, which he spent many hours cleaning in private. The nature of the missing weapon is a closely-kept secret, but our informants indicate that it was recovered some years ago from a location near to Berium.
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Ball-goers who forget their masks
will be forced to dance in the forest |
Demon Deluge Developing
Professor Grünvelt of the Carpathian University of Magic is predicting that a flood of refugees from the Demon Realm will soon be entering Mordavia. "Der vlood hast already started, hundredz of demons haft been zeen in the area of der Black Keep", the professor told our correspondent.
The apparent reason for this demonic development? It seems that a deadly chill is spreading through an area of hell ruled by a demon Lord called Zor. Expect to see frost-bitten demons knocking on your door and wanting to sleep by your hearth in the near future. However, Professor Grünvelt is quick to point out that Citizens needn't be alarmed yet. "Vhile demons are usually associated with Evil, many of those entering our mortal lands appear peaceful and are cooperating with der King's forces."
We look forward to the expansion in our readership.
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