|
|
|
Editor: Geldar Prope
Misrepresenting the facts since 1461. |
|
March, Year of Our Lord 1463
Issue 6 |
|
|
Berium’s Baron Probably Not A Gypsy
Baron Glenn Underwood predictably denied questions (published in the last edition of the Mordavian Truth) as to whether or not he was, in fact, a Gypsy. The Mordavian Truth has since received independant confirmation of Baron Underwood's nobility and obtained a copy of his birth certificate that appears to be genuine.
The Baron's Press Conference |
In the resulting gathering, called by the Baron, the citizens of Berium unanimously called for resolve on the questions posed in the Mordavian Truth. The Baron avoided most of the questions, directing the crowd's attention to his new silken pants. The Truth wonders if, in his financially straitened position (see the article on the Mage’s Guild on p2), a little less attention to clothing might perhaps be in order.
|
|
|
Public Health Warning
Outbreaks of Icky Wing have been reported in Skene, Hasbeen, and North-West Dareen.
While this Fairy ailment is usually non-fatal, the terrible terrible itch and recurring pustules do not respond to treatment and generally last for months. The key is to follow the third of Doctor Sweet-Asafoetida-in-Springtime's Recommended Procedures For Controlling Disease ie. 'Stay out of the infected area until the evil humours go away.'
Health officials suggest that the first two of Doctor Asafoetida's procedures:
1. Cut it off.
2. Wash with vinegar.
are not workable solutions in this case.
|
|
Page 2
|
|
Curse On The House of Löwe?
There has been a rash of strange deaths and dissapearances associated with the Eranov Exporters Guild, formerly run by the late William Löwe. Löwe's funeral was interrupted by the murder of his butler, the hideously disfigured Abraham and the perpetrators have not yet been discovered. Löwe himself was murdered by persons unknown. Yet more recently, two of the Eranov Exporters’ journeymen, Tristan Lafours and Bors Meman, were apparently taken by violence in the night. Certainly, their lodging was broken into, their belongings disarranged and a chillingly large amount of blood was found.
Löwe’s Funeral |
Is there a curse on the Löwe household? Or is there a more mundane explanation - before they were outlawed Eranov Exporters
had well-established trade links with the Elvish kingdom of Jurrawicca. Perhaps the Jurrawiccans are trying to use the Eranov Exporters as a source of supply in their ongoing guerilla war.
Master William Löwe Junior commented: “My father stated in his will that he had a lot of unfinished business and was ashamed of some of the things he did. Any links to Jurrawicca are now cut. It is true tragedy that has befallen the Lowe house recently. The dissappearance of the two is sad and I have provided a pension for their families.”
|
|
New Mage’s Guild In Financial Woes
The embryonic Berium Mage’s Guild is having financial troubles already. The theologically named Aitrus Hellbringer abruptly cancelled a contract made in good faith with the Mordavian Truth. No reason was given for this breach of contract and this publication asks if this shocking act was caused by insufficient seed money or instead bad management and an inability to budget by the Guild’s founders.
The so-called Mage’s Guild is a very recent institution that has now begun to compete with other well established magical associations such as the Thyglore Mutual Magic League, the Esteemed Society of Astrologers and Thaumaturges and the Royal Carpathian University. It was founded by two previously little known magicians, the self-titled High Mage Hellbringer and the vampire Heck Vestock. The pair have begun advertising for apprentices and journeymen and have stated that applicants will be trained in the arts of magic. Dr Whitetree of the Royal Carpathian University has, however, questioned their lack of teaching experience and recommends that those serious about their education should seek a teacher with a better known reputation.
The Guild’s patron, Baron Underwood commented: “The guild is on loose footing at the present moment. The membership, too, is scarce. As such, the guild is almost entirely reliant on me for its expenses, and I, too, am on a tight budget - I've only just severed my financial dependence on my family, and as such my income has become slightly reduced."
Borsa Swampbound
The fortified hilltop town of Borsa is now completely surrounded by Swamp. Ghouls and cultists prowl its perimeter. The Floating Road runs from Berium to Borsa, then north to the ever-expanding edge of the Swamp where it meets the road to Eranov and Dareen.
The former Duchy is now a Barony. The late Duke of Borsa killed his three children during the Great Depression, and there is no successor. Sir Lucien has been made steward of Borsa.
|
Page 3
|
|
SOCIETY
Blossoming Beauty Conquers Berium
A newcomer to Berium, the priestess Acanthus Everlight, has been making her mark on the male population of the town. Admirers reportedly range from the intrepid explorer Sebastien Creed and her employer Baron Glenn Underwood. While our sources were unable to determine if the debutante returns any of her hopeful beau's affections, a group of potato farmers have formed a fanclub in her honour.
Is Berium's new pinup girl a contender for the hand of the Prince of Berium? Only time will tell...
|
The Staff of Erana Arrives in Carpathia
The sacred Staff of Erana has been brought to the Royal City of Carpathia as part of its progress around Mordavia. The King declared a week long holiday in its honour and many of Carpathia's citizens have flocked to pray in the newly consecrated Temple of Erana. Lady Alia of the Order said that she was "pleased and delighted at the upwellings of popular support" the Order has been receiving.
The next sites in the itinerary of the procession are the elvish town of Elendar and the forests of Sylvania. Sources close to the Prince of Eranov are refusing to comment on rumours that he may accompany the progress as part of his quest for a bride.
|
|
|
ADVERTISEMENT
Feeling A Bit Ditsy?
Memory Not What It Was?
Sounds like YOU need Memory Maintaining Miracle Elixir. Rendered from elephant fat, powdered phlogiston, and apples from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, Memory Maintaining Miracle Elixir is guaranteed to restore even the most repressed of memories. Now in a scaled-down Fairy size, this sparkling, effervescent liquid will gently slide down the drinker's throat and energize all latent mnemonic particles loose in the bodily super-matrix. Guaranteed to free up haunting melodies, childhood memories, and the exact location of your missing keys,
YOU NEED MEMORY MAINTAINING MIRACLE ELIXIR.
Queens love it
Unuchs love it
Even
Randy
Yaks love it!
Order through Runcible Poons, Freelance Alchemist, today and receive a complementary bottle of Amnesia Ambrosia for those awkward moments when plausible deniability is just what the doctor ordered.
|
|
Page 4
|
|
ADVERTISEMENT
In cooperation with Baron Glenn Underwood, the Mercenaries Guild and the Mages Guild, Brim is proud to present:
The Berium Arena. Test your skills, make a bet, win great prizes!
The management of the Arena will not be held responsible for any injury, limb loss, coma, death or otherwise inflicted damage or psychological harm.
|
Agony Aunt
Deer Miss Verrity,
Aye am writting to no how I can bee like the Fairy with Two staff blades? He was very powerful at Mastr Lowes Funurl. I haf made butterfly wingz out of a sheet. Will he accept me?
An Eagr Pheasant
Dear Eager Peasant,
For firstly, you need to be born a Fairy. You aren't one. Be thankful for this - Peasanting is an honest and worthy profession in which one plants apples and potatoes and other food type things for the benefit of all.
For secondly, you need to have skill and grace. You don't. Just accept that. Peasants are not and will never be graceful. It would disrupt the Divine Chain of Being.
Most importantly, what are you doing writing to me when you should be planting potatoes or apples or something like that?
Dear Miss Verity,
I have cause to believe that my longtime love and tentacle partner has recently sundered in twain. Her physical form hates me, her psyche is lost in the void and cries to me for aid.
What should I do?
Ulric of the Slime
Dear Ulric,
Try hiring an expert consultant to merge the two halves of your beloved.
|
|
Roll of Honour
Abraham – Beloved Butler
Tristan and Bors - Missing Journeymen
|
|
Classifieds
HOLY SHIT FOR SALE
Genuine unadulterated papal faeces, sun-dried and hermetically sealed in leaded crystal reliquaries. Before battle, simply powder a small sample, dampen, and apply to your forehead as an invincible amulet of holy protection. Unlike our competitors, who supply cut-rate inferior faeces mixed with the products of lesser priests, we stand by our wares - may we go to the Eighth Circle of Hell if we lie.
Currently available: Pope Pius II, with some vintage stocks still remaining: Innocent IV, Clement III, Celestine III and the ever-popular Gregory IX.
Apply: Simon the Pardoner and Pardon the Simoner.
SAVE MY SINDY
Large reward for the being who restores my love Sindy to me. Her body is prisoned in the Berium Insane Asylum. Her soul is captive in Dreams...
Can anyone help me?
Ulric of the Slime
ARE YOU DOWN ON YOUR LUCK?
Fortune may favour the bold, but chance favours the prepared mind.
We at the Serendipity Guild House (Eranov) are here to help you. Cured rabbits feet, silver plated horse shoes, powdered four-leafed clovers, a fine selection of self-bored stones and an excellent range of stuffed leprechauns are only the BEGINNING of our stock. Are you looking for something strange and unique? We are here to help all your triskaidekaphobia problems.
WANTED
Donations of clothes, weapons and cash to help maintain refugee camp.
The Sunshine Meadows Refugee Camp. Because you feel safer with us on your side.
Credits
Scribing by Stephanie Pegg, Catherine Pegg, Craig Neilson, Alan Grant, Brian Watson, Tim Boersma.
Woodcuts by www.godecookery.com
Printed by the Hastings Amateur Assassins Association (Wellington Chapter)
|
|
|
|
|
