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Brought to you by: Geldar Prope and Elisabeth Cagliostro
Misrepresenting the facts since 1461. |
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Established Year of Our Lord 1462
Issue 3 |
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Duke of Borsa Slain!
The End of the Great Depression?
The Duke of Borsa was slain on the Day of the Dead of this year. This tragic figure, also known as Borsa the Bloody and the Childslayer, was the leader of the baby hunts conducted this past year. These hunts, ordered by the King, were an attempt to kill the infant Nostralenia, the Brood of the Dark One, born last year in Berium.
Since the advent of the baby hunts, Mordavia has been plunged into a great depression. Crops have failed, peasants have suicided and the Royal Guard has been plagued with mass desertions. Scholars of the Royal Carpathian College of magic claim that the Depression was linked to more than just the nation’s grief.
Dr Whitetree, a noted scholar, said in an exclusive interview that the Cult of the One True God was magically enhancing the depression. This trapped the spirits of those slain protecting their children into a desperate wraithlike afterlife. Whitetree said that these wraiths were being used to harass and maim the anguished Duke of Borsa. He claims that only Borsa’s death at the hands of the Berium militia prevented his transcendence into a god of Sorrow. It is believed that this deification would have plunged Mordavia into sorrow so great that all would do naught but weep as the Swamp oozed over them. Borsa’s last words “This is a Hollow Kingdom” are a token of that sorrow.
It is hoped that the baby hunts are at last ended and that Mordavia may now begin to rebuild itself.
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The Bloody Duke of Borsa Before His Death |
Prince Retires
The Prince of Mordavia has announced his retirement as Lord of Berium. While he declined to comment on his reasons, it is believed that he will resume his lordship in Eranov and pursue a more contemplative life. A Steward has been appointed as his proxy in the town of Berium, pesthole of Mordavia, until its new Lord or Lady can be selected.
This will be decided at a tournament to be held in Berium this spring as part of the festivities celebrating the Feast of the Ascension of Erana. Nobles from all parts of Mordavia are rumoured to be flocking to Berium in the tournament.
Swamp Spreads
The cancerous swamp eating out the heart of Mordavia is growing at a record rate reports the Royal College of Magic. Sources inside the College admit their bafflement at the rapid growth and state that bizarre oddities have been found by hunters in the Swamp. Their only advice to citizens: “Stay inside and lock the doors.”
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Page 2
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Jurrawicca Secedes!
The Rise and Fall of the Silvered Moon
In a dramatic move, the elf Silvermoon celebrated his recent coronation as so-called King of Jurawicca by seceding from Mordavia.
Silvermoon’s coronation was a touching ceremony paying homage to the four elements and the old powers of Jurawicca. It was, however, plagued by an influx of treasure hunters masquerading as guests and a horde of orcs led by scrofulus Lord Scrofus. Lord Scrofus claimed to have been awarded a patent of nobility and to be present at the invitation of Mordavia’s King. Despite this, Scrofus and his orcs stormed away in the middle of the opening ceremony and spent the rest of the evening attacking and defiling the ancient and tranquil lakeland.
Silvermoon is reported to have been angered by the King’s actions and seceded in response. This bold move withdrew his people from the protection of the law and removed them from the kingdom’s tax rolls.
Silvermoon and his retainers unfortunately let their new outlaw status go to their heads and blatantly and without provocation attacked a party of noble orcs innocently going about their business in the woods near Berium. The Royal Guard quickly arrested the murderers and brought them to trial. Though lengthy, this resulted in Silvermoon’s exile and the execution of his chief hench-elf Davrik. Silvermoon’s retainer Labina Morbia described the events as ‘A most foul day. Justice is ill-served here.’
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Davrik was hung with all due ceremony and his corpse sold to the kitchen of the Inn in Berium, as is the local custom. Orc patrons of the Inn are reported to be pleased with the change in diet and have petitioned that the inn be renamed “The Well Hung Elf” in Davrik’s honour.
Davrik’s corpse was very well received by Inn patrons. |
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ADVERTISEMENT
Prince Armand Recruits Army
His Highness, Prince Armand Varada Javedan Savak Shiremithra is recruiting soldiers for his planned invasion of Mustravia. His Highness promises that each new recruit will receive their own horse, be amply rewarded for the slaying of vampires and will be paid in land and titles when the invasion is successful. For rogue vampires he offers the additional benefit of citizenship in Mustravia, a land of eternal darkness.
Applications open to all. Experience slaying Vampire Lords is a definite bonus.
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Page 3
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The Abduction of the Bride
Eric's Lament
The eventful wedding feast of Baron Eric Von Braun and demonic socialite Gethsemane was interrupted by the kidnapping of the bride by bandits. Fortunately, the demoness was retrieved without undue bloodshed by her new husband, the lord of Dareen.
The wedding ceremony was a tasteful affair conducted by the vampiric chaplain Gabriel. The priest defended his use of the phrase ‘man and wife’, saying that the Baron had all the equipment he needed to be called a man despite his vampiric state.
The priest Gabriel. |
The wedding was also interrupted by the arrival of the unpleasant and rather smelly Lord Misrahan. The Lord was Von Braun’s vampiric creator, the blood bond apparently giving license to treat one’s fledglings as lapdogs. Despite this, Von Braun slew Misrahan in an exciting and swashbuckling duel, taking the time for some last minute necking before Misrahan expired.
The Baroness Von Braun described her husband and Misrahan’s relationship as ‘complex’ but adamantly insisted that ‘nothing like that was going on.’ Exactly what ‘that’ is, this reporter is unsure of, but wishes the happy couple every felicity.
Lord Misrahan was buried with full honours in the Von Braun family graveyard.
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Hell Freezes Over
The Demon Realm continues to freeze, with yet more refugees flooding into Mordavia.
New light has been shed on the cause – the blatant theft of an arcane treasure from the demon lord Zor by two fairies. This has resulted in much tension between the Demonic and Faery Realms. Will this lead to open warfare? Only time will tell.
A group of demons begging for refugee status from the King. |
Sex Secrets of Sentients Revealed
Seamstress Tells All
A leading member of the Seamstress’ Guild, Selina Josamine, has published a shocking expose of non-human sexual exploits. In an exclusive interview with the Mordavian Truth, Selina claims that her new treatise explains all the ins and outs of dealing with the various races of Mordavia.
Included are tips on how to survive a demon party and the myriad ways food is used in their marriage rites. She also discourses at length on the ‘scale-up’ problems experienced by fairies and discusses some of her kinkier clients. “Why, some people are so desperate to get laid, they actually dress up as horses. We send them on to the Hostler’s Guild.”
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Page 4
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Society
Hot Goss From Berium-in-the-Swamp by Elisabeth Cagliostro
Polished steel was in for divine manifestations this season, with a ghostly Paladin in full, shining plate and the Handmaidens of Thor who contrasted heavy cloaks and flaxen braids with the ever-popular chain-mail bikinis. Keep it up, lads!
I wouldn’t be caught dead in that. Once again, the undead appeared in basic black. BORING. If I were to die horribly and walk the land as a restless spectre of doom, I would put in some accents in yellow, or maybe red (a blood spatter will do), to lift that ensemble. Remember folks, style is a state of mind. One exception was Lord Borsa, still in monochrome, but in a sweet little topless number and wafty white cloak. Sure, he murdered all those babies, but if he dressed well he couldn’t have been all bad.
Speaking of style, the Masquerade Ball was an epitome of such. Sponsors were in excellent fettle, and guests kept up a high standard of dress. The full skirts favoured by the women were well-suited to the swirling dances engendered by the luscious band. A particularly bouffant look was favoured by Berium’s very own Lord Vanian Vasili. The ball was interrupted late in the evening with the majestic entrance of a vampire queen Katrina. She demanded of her cowering hordes: “Have you found it yet?” On being told “No,” she sent them off in the chilly night to look for ‘It’. Just what ‘It’ is, is unclear, informants posit that ‘It’ was some kind of holy artifact but this is patently absurd. In any case, most of the guests departed so we were forced to make our own fun. I must say, the serving boys were particularly tasty.
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What do I wear to a hanging? This omni-present question was solved by one Davrik. Avoiding the questions of lavenders versus grays he went straight for the throat with a rich blue ankle-length cloak. This added lustre to his vibrant curls and brought out a clear beautiful pallor both before and after the drop.
Quest for the crotchless man continues. Originally thought to be a centaur (who was hung like a horse - a gelding) this quest is still fruitless, or perhaps nutless. If you have any information leading to the apprehension of same, please talk to Imbas and Labina Morbia.
Roll of the Dead
Davrik: Well Hung Elf
Silvermoon: Exiled to Drear Mundania
Classifieds
The COMING OF AGE of the Fairy Arnau, celebrated under the hill in a wild night of music and dancing.
The COMING OF AGE of Dariyan sil Jemadar, marked in joyous celebration by family and friends in Eneldore.
FOR SALE Mattresses, good used condition, some blood stains. Apply to Samwit the Snitch, Valea Sarii.
Credits
Scribing by Stephanie Pegg
and Catherine Pegg
Woodcuts by www.godecookery.com
Printed by the Hastings Amateur
Assassins Association
(Auckland Chapter)
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