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Editor: Geldar Prope
Misrepresenting the facts since 1461. |
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April, Year of Our Lord 1463
Issue 7 |
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Captain Carlyn Kidnapped!
Berium's own brooder, the tall dark and handsome Captain Carlyn Blackhammer was shockingly kidnapped during a summit meeting being held in Berium's Keep. The meeting was a venue for representatives from all over Mordavia to discuss plans to defeat the One True God, the Progenitor of Swamps, who is attempting to obliterate Mordavia as we know it. Black robed Cultists Recalled into a concealed Astral Gate and seized the Captain, pausing briefly to discuss matters with their tentacles before Recalling out.
It is not known if the Captain was the specific target of the kidnap or if the Cultists were simply trying to disrupt the meeting by capturing a high status attendee. One witness posits that the kidnapping was arranged by the Vampire Queen Katrina for her own nefarious purposes, although he was unclear on her theorised connection to the One True God. When asked for comment, the Royal Guard seemed to feel that the ruler of Berium was ultimately responsible for Blackhammer’s safe return. As one Guard put it: “If he don’t come back in one piece, there’s gonna be a new Baron.”
A rescue party is currently being assembled, it is hoped before the Captain is driven insane by the Cult's twisted rites. The Truth's staff psychic was able to achieve a brief communion with the Captain, his comment on his capture was: "If you come near me with that bag of Marshmellows I am going to kick you in the $&#% so hard you suddenly go deaf. Someone get me the hell out of here!"
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Freedom for Flossie!
The Mordavian Truth is pleased to report that, thanks to its tireless efforts, the Royal Princess Fuschia Blossom of the Eastern Court has at last been released from her unwarranted incarceration.
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Princess Fuschia Blossom’s Jailer Expressed Regret At Her Absence
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Her Highness was arrested along with the fairies Imbas, Gisa and Willowtwig during a scuffle over some blue Ategenos flowers that had sprouted in Berium. Apparently two factions, fairies and demons both wanted the flowers and the Guard intervened. However, only fairies were arrested, showing extreme bigotry on behalf of the Royal Guard.
The Guard claim that the fairies were arrested because they had hired the Jurrawiccan outlaws present in the battle. Lord Magnu, a fairy diplomat, argued “Why would I hire them? To what end? Unfortunately the answer is somewhat more prosaic. Word has it that the landgrabbing demons have invaded Jurrawicca. Thusly do said Elves have the motivation to thwart the evil, invasive demon's plans. No need for my intervention, the demons brought it upon themselves."
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The Truth eagerly awaits the release of Princess Fuschia Blossom’s equally innocent compatriots and hopes that she is enjoying her freedom.
When asked for comment Princess Fuschia Blossom said that she “wishes to extend her deepest gratitude to the friends, supporters and lovers who advocated so selflessly for her release from the terrors of unjust incarceration. Not least the editor and staff of this most esteemed publication.” The Princess is resting in safety.
Holocaust Hits Dareen
Recently the Barony of Dareen, north of Berium, was hit by a terrible fire in its north-west forests, near its border with the Elven kingdom of Eneldore. While the first rumours were that the bandits of the forest set the fire themselves, it can now be revealed that they were laid by the Baron of Dareen, Eric Von Braun. "I ordered the fires to be lit," he says, and adds that "This was my last option ... the swamp has started growing faster than anyone could have anticipated," and also that the bandits of the forest had been a critical problem threatening the safety of all Dareen. "Thankfully," he says, "the action was mostly successful."
Von Braun expressed great sorrow at the loss of life caused by his drastic act. While most of the forest’s woodcutters, charcoal-burners and gypsies were evacuated, not all were warned in time and their ashes mingle with the criminals the fire was intended to eradicate. He stands by his action, though:
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"A good number of my people died ... more vill die if the swamp is not stopped."
On a happier note, the entire Fairy population of Dareen had temporarily left the Barony due to an outbreak of the disgusting Fae ailment 'Icky Wing'. One respondent says "I was terrified of the terrible terrible itch - but it saved my life! Life is weird that way." All the Fairies are now quarantined in Eneldore, where they are reputedly seriously annoying their Elvish hosts.
The land where three-thousand-year-old trees once grew will now be cleared for farmland, with sizable areas replanted in saplings obtained from Eneldore - to bring back at least a part of 'The Forest of Singing Bells', and to prevent erosion of the new farms.
One hopes that all this destruction was worth it - bandits, now homeless, have been sighted in other areas of Dareen and, while they are very disorganised, they have still not been caught by Von Braun's troops. Worse - the dyke that was built to stop the swamp has been critically damaged. There will be more work for the Masons' and Bricklayers' Guild this winter.
Acquaintances of Von Braun also wonder as to his spiritual health. Such a savage response to a problem is uncharacteristic of his pre-Vampire life, and friends worry that he is slowly turning to the darkness personified by Mizrehem, the Vampire Lord that turned Baron Von Braun less than two years ago. Spiritual Counsellor Father Voltaire of the Berium Insane Asylum, while grateful for Von Braun's donations, states:
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"the longer they feed on blood the more their evil side surfaces." This reporter hopes sincerely that Von Braun can continue to fight his dark side. Von Braun gave a benediction to this reporter at the end of his interview: "A very safe journey to you. Be very careful as you travel along the swamp ... it's edge is too close for comfort anymore." This reporter wishes the same to him.
Who Is Underwood?
Through tireless research The Truth has finally scotched the rumour that the new Baron Underwood is a Gypsy. Despite his outre dress sense, Underwood's blood runs pure azure.
The question remains: Who is he? What manner of man guards this Barony, with his life if necessary?
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The Baron and one of his advisors, the so-called 'High Mage' Aitrus
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Close study reveals that Glenn Underwood hails from a small Barony in East Carpathia. Whilst it is a small territory, his father, Baron Belmont, and Uncle Lord Mikhail distinguished themselves several times in the course of their lives - Baron Belmont in the King's Army and Lord Mikhail in other services to the King.
Glenn himself was raised in a strong military tradition under the tutelage of his father and uncle. In young manhood he disappeared from public view, presumably to find himself.
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ADVERTISEMENT
O prince of winter, prince of my heart:
Captured not in the web of fate
Our love hides in the dark of earth
Waiting for the spring.
The United Southern Orchestra
The Key to good music is Passion
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Confirmed reports of him are rare for the next few years. However, during this time there were several sightings of a dashing young adventurer, Cecco Sarus, who dressed just like our young Lord Underwood. Cecco was notable in the Siege of Little Pittsdun, where without his heroic actions the hostages would certainly have died horribly. Other examples of his behaviour are now available from The Truth's archives. Of course, we cannot confirm that Underwood and Sarus are the same man. That is just speculation.
Reportedly, Underwood, while maintaining a wardrobe appropriate to his noble status, works very hard at the duties of his new domain. Industrious as he is, he still knows how to maintain links of camaraderie with the local populace - he has been seen several times in the local pub, standing his round with the best of them. While he has not yet made any contributions to the Insane Asylum or Sunshine Meadows, as he says: "They only have to ask."
One wonders if the martial techniques learned in Underwood's 'Lost Years' are what enabled him to survive a recent assassination attempt on him. One can only hope that the rumours of the violent death of Baron Belmont and Lord Mikhail are only that, rumours, and not linked with this violent action against Our Baron, Glenn. That Underwood’s assassins were falsely clothed in the colours of Dareen speaks strongly of conspiracy, this reporter feels.
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A Dark Hour in Berium
Word from Berium suggests that the Swamp is encroaching on its forest. Berium has always been mysteriously protected, an island in the Swamp. Could this be Berium's last gasp?
Our source, a soldier of the late Baron Edreak von Hoven by the name of Snider, is in no doubt.
"The Swamp is spreading towards the Keep and the inn," Snider says.
Locals went into the forest and confirmed
that the Swamp is closing in on Berium
Baron Underwood claims that the Staff of Erana protected his town of Berium from the Swamp. Underwood is demanding that the Staff be returned to its original resting place.
The Staff was taken from Berium by the Order of Erana at the Feast of Erana with the town's blessings.
In an exclusive with the Mordavian Truth, Lady Alia, high priestess of the Order of Erana, has declared that she will be sending a representative to discuss the matter of the Staff of Erana with any who wish to present themselves in Berium at Koliada, the longest night of the year, which falls on June 18th. The Order is currently busy with the procession of the ancient artifact around Mordavia. The procession is approaching the forested Barony of Sylvania.
Hot Goss From
Berium-In-The-Swamp
by Elisabeth Cagliostro
Lady, Vampire, Gossip Columnist
Baroness Mistletoe is setting her stamp on the fashions of the area with a strong (but delicate) entry of pink and white, with little silver bells. Highlighting her waiflike features and cropped flaxen hair, these pale colours are a wonderful contrast to those tired old Summer Palettes. Moving through Autumn, they will find their true strength in Winter, where they will vanish into the thick Mordavian snow - excellent for when the followers of the Dark One are chasing you.
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The Baron, in contrast, favours rich jewel-tones in fine hard-wearing silk, with a rakish swing to his coat and a colourful headscarf. When questioned as to the wisdom of spending on his wardrobe in these fiscally challenging times, he said: "That's absurd! I've had these pants for YEARS! They're coming apart at the seams!" and offered to show our reporter the rip in the front. It's so nice having nobles that know how to dress properly again. Or undress (wink wink).
Speaking of Underwood's dress (or lack of it), he was entertaining an unnamed young lady in a state of deshabille when an assassination attempt at Berium's Keep was foiled. The assassins were stylishly decked out in blue and gold, the colours of Dareen. Does this indicate allegiance or merely good taste? Alas, they escaped before I could ask. Dareen's Baron Von Braun claims no knowledge of the assassin (but of course he’d say that) and theorised that "someone vishes to fester bad blood inside the noble houses."
The natives are restless. Though it is only mid-autumn as this paper goes to print, the indigenous inhabitants of Berium are already gearing up for Koliada, the traditional midwinter feast. This is a time for performing ancient rites, asking the spirit folk of the land to fight off the cold and dark of winter, bless the land and people with fertility, and raise the hot-bellied sun out of its longest stay in the guts of the underworld.
Among the spirit folk honoured are beings like the Domovoi of the houses, the Leshii of the wilds, Vodovoi of the waters, and even bright Byelobog, the prettier nicer twin of Chernobog (who, trust me, you don't want to mess with - though he's a wonderful dancer, kiddies). Rasputin, a peasant of Berium, states that the peasants are turning back to their old gods in the hopes that they will turn back the Swamp, whose spread is unprecedented this year. Berium Forest is now a dark place indeed. His wife, Rasputina, hopes that the Man of the Woods, Berium's own patron spirit, will make his own appearance. The Man is particularly popular among the female population. I absolutely couldn't say why, wink wink.
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The Key Wardens, an obscure Fairy drinking society, announce (why in this paper, I don't know) that their latest party was a success, despite the unprecedented number of members unable to attend due to private business. There were no fatalities this year, and only one serious injury. The party was graced by Her Royal Higness Princess Amaranth of the Unseelie, dulcet in snowy white, with silver hair to match her wings. Other notable guests were Lady Xylnia Anwen Asdis Lida of the Eastern Court, Lady Ishita of the Seelie and Lord Carolus of the Unseelie.
Sergeant Jack Bobbin, who older Fairy readers may recall was once voted 'craggiest veteran with all his limbs' by Women's Fae, also made an appearance. (Alas, the epithet no longer applies, his wings being crippled in some fiddly little Fairy skirmish or another.)
The Unseelie Chapter Head Begg MacMellibee reports that the Wardens' newest member, his grand-daughter Parataxis, proved a disgrace to the family and that he's very proud. As Seelie/Unseelie mixers go the party was a grand success, most hostilities forgotten in worries over the Demon invasion. The party ended suddenly when the spider whose lair the party was held in woke unexpectedly during a duel between Princess Amaranth and surprise guest
the key in the lock, the lock in the door,
the door in the doorframe, and that's on the floor.
Agony Aunt
Dear Miss Verity,
I am writing on behalf of my brother. He was arrested by the Berium Guard for attempted robbery. But instead of giving him a trial or setting him free he was thrown into the larder, a cell of mortally injured prisoners that the Baron’s pet vampires eat. My brother is a good man who only made one mistake.
Please, is there anything I can do to help him?
Desperate Sister.
Dear Desperate Sister,
The larder is a vile institution created by the new Baron. I suggest that you petition the Baron of Dareen to speak on your brother's behalf. While he is a vampire, he has been known to show mercy to those in need.
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Roll of Honour
Carlyn Blackhammer – Kidnapped Captain
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Matters Military
HAVE SWORD, WILL TRAVEL
Shopworn but functional man-at-arms looking for hire. Experience with infantry, cavalry, artillery. Medals, references available.
Apply John Ransomer, c/o Stricken Tree Friendly Society, Carpathia
IS THERE A PROBLEM IN YOUR LIFE?
Our skilled removal men apply utmost discretion and impeccable etiquette to all the little inconveniences that may mar your daily routine.
Apply O. M. Montagne, Sign of the Tokoloshe, Carpathia
CAMP FOLLOWERS R US
For all your Campy Needs.
JACQUES THE BOLD TAILOR extends his services to the Berium Area. Giants down-trowed, harps of gold liberated, milk from stones a specialty. Reasonable rates, nonreasonable service. I really am as good as I think I am.
GOODIE GOTOBED AND MISTRESS RISEANDSHINE, Laundry Corps, are Open for Business in the Berium township. Linen bleached, small-clothes disinfected, bloodstain removal a specialty. Collars starched, ironed for small extra fee, bulk discounts available from Squad size up to Regimental.
RECRUITING
Strong, capable Fairies for a fast-moving strike party. Several engagements planned; employment for at least two seasons. Be prepared to wear out shoe-leather.
Sergeant Jack Bobbin, Unseelie Armed Forces (ret.)
Classifieds
TRISMEGISTUS GARDEN GOODS
Great veggies! Great flowers! Great service!
DEAR ULRIC - do you have access to the Dream Realm? If so, contact DP courtesy the paper - am interested in joint venture.
Credits
Scribing by Stephanie Pegg, Catherine Pegg, Alan Grant, Simone Michaux, Brian Watson, AJ.
Woodcuts by www.godecookery.com
Printed by the Hastings Amateur Assassins Association (Wellington Chapter)
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