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Editor: Geldar Prope
Misrepresenting the facts since 1461. |
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May, Year of Our Lord 1462
Issue 2 |
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Hoven Burns!
Ashes to Ashes?
The town of Hoven has fallen into darkness. Hoven was recently swarmed by hundreds of fearsome Dark Ones and other bizarre monsters born from the depths of twisted nightmare. Sadly, the state funeral of the late Baron Edreak Von Hoven, intended to honour the renowned Baron, was interrupted when Von Hoven’s cremated remains were stolen.
A band of intrepid adventurers mourning the Baron set out to rescue the urn containing his ashes. Theirs is an epic tale set in the midst of the fearsome Tetrigrue forest, infested with necrotaurs, nightmares, necromancers and surprisingly efficacious magic mushrooms. Resolute to the last, and possibly under the influence of hallucinatory drugs, the mighty heroes lost one of their number in their ultimately successful attempt to retrieve the urn. They were rewarded with the eerie spectre of the Baron of Hoven pleading that his ashes be returned to his homeland and that a nefarious plot to invade Hoven be foiled.
Alas, they were too late. The gentle town of Hoven was overrun by an overwhelming force and fell quickly in a gruesome night of blood and fire. Maddened by the carnage, several of
The Dire Tetrigrue Forest |
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Von Hoven's Shade |
the heroes had to be physically restrained from making one last charge into Hoven, delivering the ashes or dying in the attempt. Wiser heads prevailed and the mourners joined the flood of refugees fleeing to Carpathia.
On hearing this dire news, the King immediately rallied an army to retake the town. Alas, this attempt also was unsuccessful, being driven back by overwhelming hordes of grotesquely tentacled Dark Ones. Angered by this loss, the King has declared that anyone who has anything at all to do with the Followers of the One True God is a Most Disdained Traitor and shall be hunted to the far corners of the Realm.
The Von Hovenite refugees are now scattering throughout Mordavia, although many of those without kin are expected to head to Berium-in-the-Swamp in the hopes that the Sunshine Meadows Refugee Camp will be able to take them in.
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Page 2
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Morbid Mother Hunt Continues
Despite the pitiful pleas of the populace, the King of Mordavia has continued his highly unpopular baby hunt. Led by the Duke of Borsa, the King’s troops continue to pursue all infants below the age of 1½. Many pregnant women are going into hiding in an often vain attempt to save the lives of their unborn children. In some regions, the local lords have tried to prevent women fleeing by turning their prisons into squalid and involuntary maternity wards.
The Bloody Duke of Borsa |
Justifying the continuation of the pogrom, the King’s Counsellor Ivan Sergeiovich insists that the prophesied Nostralenia is still at large. He says that the hunt will not end until the Brood of the Dark One has been apprehended and suitably dealt with.
Scholars at the Carpathian University of Magic are claiming dire consequences, predicting that the annihilation of next generation’s workforce will trigger depression, famine and plagues for decades to come. They also point to the widespread desertions in the Royal Guard as a reaction to the baby hunt.
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Slum Clearances Announced
Kelling the Bosh Illegal
The slums of Carpathia are eerily silent as the new laws declaring gypsies illegal take effect. The King has ruled that no gypsy may be a citizen of Mordavia, allowing any true citizen to kill, rob or abduct a gypsy with impunity. Most of the gypsies living in Carpathia are believed to have fled the city or gone into hiding. Gangs of ‘redshirts’, militant former supporters of the slain Lord Mordikar, are patrolling the ghetto district to speed up the clearance.
This move is unsurprising in the light of widespread dissatisfaction among many citizens regarding what they call ‘inferior’ types. Gypsies, like orcs and vampires, are considered by many to spread crime and disease. The Blouson Rouge lobby group is celebrating its victory in getting the new law passed. They have been claiming for the last five months that all gypsies are pestilential noxious child stealers, pointing to a gypsy band’s reported involvement in abducting babies for twisted and corrupt ritual sacrifice by Dark Ones. Tension in the city of Carpathia nearly reached crisis point after the mysterious disappearance of the six-year old Sir Hugh Godrik. The body of little Sir Hugh was eventually found wrapped in a yellow cloak at the bottom of a disused well near the border of the gypsy ghetto.
While the Blouson Rouge is also campaigning for the de?legalisation of half-orcs, vampires, zombies and demons, the King has made no move to do so at this time. Lord Cecil Carroway, a figure close to the throne, categorically denied all rumours that a large payment to the Privy Purse was made to keep vampires exempt. Pavel Zelasky of Undead Anonymous stated that the Blouson Rouge’s campaign was “Yet another example of Mortalist Oppression that the UA will fight, tooth and shovel.”
No gypsies have as yet been available for comment.
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The Devil Runs A Health Resort?
Since the opening of the Gates of Hell, many of its denizens have settled in the volcanic Twin Lakes area. The region, known for its brimstone fumes, hot springs and bubbling mud pools has often been nicknamed ‘Hell’s Kitchen’, an epithet now found to be disturbingly apt. The region is apparently reminiscent of the refugee demons' homeland and being relatively uninhabited has proved a popular destination.
Many of the demons the Mordavian Truth has interviewed have complained bitterly of the severe cold in Mordavia and are dreading the onset of winter. They hope to alleviate this by soaking their bodies in boiling mineral water. Gourmet chefs familiar with the rare delicacy called ‘lobster’ have speculated that this practice may be the cause of the startling red hue of the demons’ skin.
A small group of enterprising devils has opened an establishment called a 'health spa'. They advertise that immersion in hot liquid is a sovereign remedy for a variety of ills including rheumatics, pleurisy and lung rot. Representatives of the Royal College of Barbers & Surgeons remain sceptical.
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The Brute Squad Wants You!
Are you big, green and scaly?
Do you like to hit people?
Join the Brute Squad!
Good pay, good food, good beer.
Orcs and half-orcs only need apply.
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Tardy Tailor Triggers Trade Riot
Civil strife recently rocked the Barony of Kovak. The Baron, Delwyn von Kovak, has long been in disagreement with the Repair, Dressmaking, Arms and Marine Mutual Benefit Society over claimed non-performance of contracts.
Jacques the Bold Tailor |
The situation came to a head when the Baron hired a member of the Society (also known as the Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Sailor Guild) to retrieve the fabled diamond heart of Koschei the Deathless. Von Kovak says: “I paid for a heart inside a duck egg inside a duck from a well in a castle in a lake in a hidden forest. Then this joker with ‘Seven at a Blow’ writ on his forehead is three months late and brings me a dead chicken. It’s just not on. And no, I’m still not going to pay him.”
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Page 4
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The Society rallied around their guild member, Jacques the Bold Tailor, and organised a series of stop-work meetings and supposedly non-violent protests which escalated into rioting in the streets. The strike ended abruptly when neighbouring Barons, shocked to their innermost core at the tradesmen’s lack of respect for their betters, threatened to bring in troops and establish martial law.
Work has resumed in Kovak, however dissatisfaction is high and production at a record low. Many noblewomen in the area are hoping that seamstresses will complete their dress orders in time for the upcoming Jurrawiccan Coronation and Berium’s All Hallow’s Eve Ball, the season’s ‘must-see’ events.
Amnesty Declared!
In the face of unprecedented desertions from the Royal Guard, the leader of the guard, the Duke of Borsa, has declared a general amnesty for deserters.
The Duke announced recently “Come back, all is forgiven!” He also commented that any deserters that return to the army before All Hallow’s Eve would not be punished for their cowardice. Anyone caught afterwards will be hung up by their thumbs, flogged with a cat of nine tails and then, worst of all, be assigned to the dreaded duty of guarding the swamp near Berium.
Watery Woman Sheds Light On Mystery
A centuries old mystery has been partially solved with the recent discovery of a spirit of the river in the Tetrigrue Forest. The Lady Sonja de Veresch née Govich disappeared while walking with her husband Lord William de Veresch on a Midsummer’s Eve over 200 years ago.
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Despite extensive searches by the Lady’s family, her body was never found. Her husband was reportedly stricken with grief, barely moderated by his marriage to her sister Lady Anja Govich a few weeks later.
The Lady Sonja was reticent about her transformation from human to ethereal, but the pitiful waif wistfully said that she was lonely and wished more people would visit her.
Roll of Honour
Gerlexa, heroic adventurer,
disappeared mysteriously while
rescuing Baron Von Hoven's ashes.
Classifieds
FOR SALE Assorted nostrums, potions, aphrodisiacs, antidotes, hallucinogens, pox cures, diverse other elixirs. Do you want to bottle the sound of a foot fall? Then I’m your alchemist. Bruno Demitrius, Tetrigrue Forest.
SLAIN The greater dragon and noted philanthropist Filianora Sharptooth. Her mate, Gavrok Icebane, has posted a hundred kopek award for information leading to the arrest of her vile murderer. Please apply to the Society for the Protection of the Noble Dragon, Sign of the Serpent, Carpathia.
BORN three ogrets (two female, one male) to the Dread Ogress of Fire Fell. The Sheriff of Lesser Fundin advises that while the dear poppets are currently on a milk diet, when they wean in two years time they will become a substantial hazard to livestock, children and unwary travellers.
Credits
Scribing by Stephanie Pegg
Woodcuts by www.godecookery.com
Printed by the Hastings Amateur Assassins Association (Auckland Chapter)
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